the age of accountability

Sometimes periods of silence in my life are providentially placed and uniquely fruitful, but most of the time potential for good is overwhelmed by inarticulate, largely useless, and often destructive thoughts. (That's mostly why working at the bakery was not a healthy time of my life.) Last Sunday, as I made the long, lonely drive home from church, happened to be one such time as the former. In the silence, I began to notice the brilliant colors of the changing leaves on the trees, and then the sky, and then all the world around me. It seemed as if it had been the first time that I had been awake to the world in a long time. And then it suddenly dawned on me that that is no one's fault but my own. I realized that it has long since been the age of accountability and there is no one responsible for me but me. I haven't been parented for a long time, but I've only just realized that that means something. My mistakes are not my parents fault anymore. Who I am and what I do are my responsibility.
And so I resolved to be more intentional about my life. I resolved to be intentional about how I spend my time and money and with whom. In my job search, I would be intentional about finding something meaningful. I would ensure that I had times of silence, I would read spiritual books, and be more consistent in my journaling. Because no one can make me do it but me. And so newly resolute, I set my alarm clock back so that I could get up in the morning with plenty of time to pray and went to bed--and even a little earlier than usual.
I woke up the next morning and my resolve went the way of the snooze button until it was too late to have a meaningful morning.
It's the same old story. Just a different colored lens through which to see it.
God have mercy.